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♪♪ [theme]

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♪♪ [military drum beat]

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[clears throat]

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The contention is
that the accused,

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with intent to usurp
lawful military authority,

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did, at the 4077 Mobile
Army Surgical Hospital,

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on or about
October 11, 1952,

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willfully attack
his commanding officer,

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Major Frank Burns,

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and did illegally
take command.

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This preliminary
hearing is to determine

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whether the facts
in this case indicate

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that a court-martial
should be conducted

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and whether the accused,

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Captain Benjamin
Franklin Pierce,

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should stand trial
under Article 94

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on the charge of mutiny.

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Is that clear, Captain?

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Crystal, Colonel.

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Ali "Babber"
to the end, aren't you?

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How'd you like a
grenade in your truss?

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[raps gavel]

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Order.

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As these charges have been
brought by Major Burns,

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the court requests that
he open the proceedings

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by answering a few questions.

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-Take the stand, Major.
-Yes, sir.

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You swear that the
evidence you shall give

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shall be the truth,
the whole truth,

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and nothing but the
truth, so help you God?

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Absotively.

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A simple "I do"
will be sufficient.

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I do, sir.

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I'm certain you comprehend

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the seriousness
of your charge, Major.

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The penalty for mutiny,
after all, is death

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or such other punishment
as the court may direct.

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I comprehend okay.
Death or worse.

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Besides my life,

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-Frank wants my virginity.
-We all do.

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-If only I'd known.
-[gavel raps]

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Now, Major,

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you have served with
the accused for some time.

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All too long, Colonel. [sighs]

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Had he ever indicated to you

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that he might
consider mutiny?

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The man's a born
troublemaker, sir.

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He has no respect
for his superiors

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and seems almost
deliberately kind to
those beneath him.

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He's immoral, unmilitary,
and unpatriotic.

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Under my framed picture
of Senator McCarthy,

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he wrote in big letters,

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"Know your enema."

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Is that all?

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Well, isn't that enough?

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I mean, are you finished?

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Oh yes, except to say
that people like Pierce

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are a menace to the
American way of life...

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as I see it.

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Unless we each conform,
unless we obey orders,

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unless we follow
our leaders blindly,

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there is no possible way
we can remain free.

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You may take
your seat, Major.

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Your fly is open.

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Captain Pierce?

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Do you swear the
evidence you shall give

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shall be the truth,
the whole truth,

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and nothing
but the truth,

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-so help you God?
-I do.

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You have any
opening remarks?

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Yes.

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Unaccustomed as I am
to public lynching,

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let me say that even
the army must surely
have better things to do

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than to listen to
the ravings of a man

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with enough mold on his brain

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to produce a quart
of penicillin.

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Sticks and stones,
your Honor.

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Major Burns
has had it in for me

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ever since I
suggested he created

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more widows and pallbearers
than salmonella.

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Would you say
that your lack of respect

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for the major's medical skills

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might have been the cause
for the alleged mutiny.

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There was no mutiny.

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It's his medical skills
that are alleged.

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I'd say that
Major Burns snapped

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under the burden of command

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and that he never
should have been put

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in the position of command.

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And if the politicians
of the world

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hadn't failed
to keep the peace,

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he'd be back in Indiana
right now

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with his cozy
little malpractice

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and meeting his receptionist
two afternoons a week

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at the Golden Goose Motel.

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That's a lie!

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Don't leave your
unopened mail around.

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That's hitting
below the belt.

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-Beats hanging.
-[gavel raps]

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That'll do.

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Perhaps at this time
we'd better hear from
Colonel Sherman Potter.

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Colonel Potter?

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You swear the evidence
you shall give

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shall be the truth,
the whole truth,

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and nothing
but the truth,

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-so help you God?
-I do.

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If you would start at
the beginning, please, sir?

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Very well. On 5 October,
I was preparing to depart

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for six days of RandR in Tokyo.

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Oh, I can do all
that for you, sir,

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-after you've gone.
-It's no trouble.

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Well, don't you
want to get started,

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-before it gets dark?
-For Pete's sake,

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it's only 8:00
in the morning.

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[giggling] I forgot.

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Major, I know
you're not giggling

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'cause you're wearing
feathered underwear.

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You just can't wait
to park your can
behind this desk.

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I am second in command, sir.

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Let's not do too much
second-in-commanding

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while I'm gone, right?

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I prefer to lead by example,

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-to command through respect.
-Mm-hmm.

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But if all else fails,

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a leader can't hesitate
to kick a few keisters.

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Oh?

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Ah, I think it was
Napoleon who said,

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"Without discipline,
an army is no more

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"than a bunch of guys

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"all wearing the
same color clothes."

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Napoleon?

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Might've been Mussolini.

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-Jeep's ready, sir.
-Thank you, Radar.

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Take care of these
papers for me, would ya?

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Yes, sir. I radioed Tokyo
and told 'em

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-you're on your way.
-Radio Tokyo I'm on my way.

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-I'll look after Burns,
-And look after Burns.

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All I'm saying is don't go
loco with the discipline.

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I'll only be gone six days,
so easy does it.

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Of course, sir.
Have a nice time,

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and, uh, don't do
anything I wouldn't do.

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I don't know
that I'd want to do

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anything you would do.

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[laughs]

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[clears throat]

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Only six days, Colonel?

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God created the universe
in six days.

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Here's the morning mail,
Major Pussycat.

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Of course,
God wasn't surrounded

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by a bunch of flakes.

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[cackles]

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Colonel Potter's chair
wasn't even cold

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before Frank decided
to re-create the 4077

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in his own weird image.

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I object to the word "weird."

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How about warped?
Bizarre? Balmy?

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-Perverted? Loony? Loopy?
-Dippy.

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I'm gonna sue all of you.

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No doubt for definition
of character.

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[gavel raps]

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Captain Pierce.

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Please give the court
some examples

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of the major's alleged...
peculiarities.

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Well, on the very first day,

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Frank observed that the M
in MASH stood for "mobile,"

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so he had us break
down the entire unit

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and move it across
the road.

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Frank has definitely
flipped out.

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Flipped like a fox.

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He's obviously picked up

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a couple hundred
trusses cheap.

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Now he's creating
a demand for them.

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[whistle trilling]

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Come on! Chop-chop!
Get the lead out.

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This is a war, you know.

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You see?
I told you it was a war.

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But no, you keep saying
we're both dreaming.

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How could we be in
each other's dreams?

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How could I be in Korea?
More important,

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why is this chicken
outfit crossing the road?

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So we moved.

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And then the next day,
we moved right back again.

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-M stands for "mobile."
-Also for meshuggah.

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The major then insisted
on cold showers,

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calisthenics, parades,
retreats, and snap inspections.

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Now, let's face it, Colonel.

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All that discipline
is a bit much to expect

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from a bunch
of dumb doctors.

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True.

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Worst of all, I guess,
Major Burns ordered a ban

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on the camp's chief
source of culture:

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gambling.

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But then,
boys will be boys.

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What do you do, Radar?

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-I'm thinking.
-Another first.

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Come on! You giving
this hand up for Lent?

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Give it a rest, Zale.

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He needs time.

199
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What do you care?
You're ahead 50 bucks.

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The Lord moves
in mysterious ways.

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Okay, I'll see ya.

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Read 'em and weep.
Three little ladies. [laughs]

203
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Is that all you got?
Three queens?

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I got a straight.

205
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How'd ya like to buy
a half interest
in a minefield?

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Chickee! Chickee!

207
00:09:01,628 --> 00:09:04,195
-What's going on?
-Uh, spelling bee, Frank.

208
00:09:04,239 --> 00:09:06,241
-Go ahead, B. J. "Cretin."
-Cretin.

209
00:09:06,284 --> 00:09:08,809
C-R-E-T-l-N. Cretin.

210
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What's a cretin?

211
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A moron. A mental defective.

212
00:09:12,334 --> 00:09:14,989
Let's hear it
for the horse's mouth.

213
00:09:20,298 --> 00:09:22,257
I want this kitchen
to shine like my mother's.

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00:09:22,300 --> 00:09:24,041
You could've eaten
off her floors.

215
00:09:24,085 --> 00:09:25,390
No plates, huh?

216
00:09:25,434 --> 00:09:27,871
Oh, can the sauce, Sergeant.

217
00:09:27,915 --> 00:09:30,134
Field Marshal Rommel said,

218
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"You can judge an army
by its kitchens."

219
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Yeah? In that case,
I guess your mother

220
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could've licked Germany
single-handed.

221
00:09:36,880 --> 00:09:39,361
Ah, droll. Queldroll.

222
00:09:39,404 --> 00:09:41,711
Now let's see if your
freezer's equally amusing.

223
00:09:46,847 --> 00:09:48,718
Shameful. Now, for openers,

224
00:09:48,762 --> 00:09:50,981
I wanna see these carcasses
lined up according to height.

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00:09:52,504 --> 00:09:54,158
I'm ashamed to wear
the same uniform

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00:09:54,202 --> 00:09:55,725
as these wienies.

227
00:09:55,769 --> 00:09:57,292
Where's the old
Army pride, Zale?

228
00:09:57,335 --> 00:09:59,033
Beats the hell out of me, sir.

229
00:09:59,076 --> 00:10:00,861
This is one sloppy
inspection, Sergeant.

230
00:10:00,904 --> 00:10:03,515
And you don't seem
to give a solitary hoot.

231
00:10:03,559 --> 00:10:06,040
Well, how would you feel
if you lost 300 bucks?

232
00:10:06,083 --> 00:10:07,955
How? Where?

233
00:10:07,998 --> 00:10:09,870
Well, uh, ou-out there.

234
00:10:09,913 --> 00:10:13,395
Somewhere.
In the camp. Lost.

235
00:10:13,438 --> 00:10:15,310
I mean, one minute
it was in my wallet,

236
00:10:15,353 --> 00:10:17,399
and then the next minute, poof!

237
00:10:18,661 --> 00:10:21,359
-Poof?
-Poof.

238
00:10:21,403 --> 00:10:23,274
Three hundred dollars
just don't go poof

239
00:10:23,318 --> 00:10:24,624
while I'm in command,
Sergeant.

240
00:10:24,667 --> 00:10:26,364
You were robbed.
No question.

241
00:10:26,408 --> 00:10:28,410
You're right, sir.
I must've been robbed.

242
00:10:28,453 --> 00:10:31,152
Who were you with
just before you realized
you lost your boodle?

243
00:10:31,195 --> 00:10:35,591
Well, as I recall, it was, uh,
Pierce, uh, Hunnicutt, uh...

244
00:10:35,635 --> 00:10:38,376
Klinger, Radar and Father
Mulcahy, like that there.

245
00:10:38,420 --> 00:10:40,422
Recreating with officers, huh?

246
00:10:40,465 --> 00:10:42,119
Start tampering
with God's ways,

247
00:10:42,163 --> 00:10:45,470
and the next thing you know,
$300 has taken a powder.

248
00:10:45,514 --> 00:10:49,213
You're right, sir.
It's a curse from God.

249
00:10:49,257 --> 00:10:51,041
Well, don't fear, soldier.

250
00:10:51,085 --> 00:10:53,653
Nobody loses a dime while
Frank Burns is at the tiller.

251
00:10:55,002 --> 00:10:56,264
Not too bad today.

252
00:10:56,307 --> 00:10:57,395
Who's complaining?

253
00:10:57,439 --> 00:10:58,658
Pierce! Hunnicutt!
That--

254
00:10:58,701 --> 00:10:59,963
What do you think
you're doing

255
00:11:00,007 --> 00:11:01,225
wearing
civilian underpants?

256
00:11:01,269 --> 00:11:02,487
Is nothing sacred?

257
00:11:02,531 --> 00:11:03,924
These happen
to be my mother's.

258
00:11:03,967 --> 00:11:05,708
-Oh, really?
-They are.

259
00:11:05,752 --> 00:11:07,318
She said as long
as I wore them,

260
00:11:07,362 --> 00:11:09,190
nothing would
ever happen to me.

261
00:11:09,233 --> 00:11:10,844
She figured that

262
00:11:10,887 --> 00:11:12,715
since nothing
ever happened to her
when she wore them.

263
00:11:12,759 --> 00:11:15,849
I'm here to
discuss something
besides underwear.

264
00:11:15,892 --> 00:11:18,503
-Make it brief.
-Ohh! That's very bad.

265
00:11:18,547 --> 00:11:20,244
Not funny, but fast.

266
00:11:20,288 --> 00:11:21,724
It has come to
my attention

267
00:11:21,768 --> 00:11:23,770
that Sergeant Zale
lost $300 last night.

268
00:11:23,813 --> 00:11:25,293
Yeah. So?

269
00:11:25,336 --> 00:11:27,121
So that means that there's
a thief around here.

270
00:11:27,164 --> 00:11:28,731
Maybe more than one.

271
00:11:28,775 --> 00:11:33,214
Frank, Zale
lost it gambling.

272
00:11:33,257 --> 00:11:34,650
I beg your pardon?

273
00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:36,521
Gambling, Frank. He was
playing poker with us.

274
00:11:36,565 --> 00:11:37,958
Impossible.

275
00:11:38,001 --> 00:11:39,220
Gambling's
been prohibited.

276
00:11:39,263 --> 00:11:40,482
There is no gambling
in this unit.

277
00:11:40,525 --> 00:11:42,440
Therefore the money
was stolen.

278
00:11:42,484 --> 00:11:44,225
Can't argue with
that kind of logic.

279
00:11:44,268 --> 00:11:45,487
I certainly wouldn't try.

280
00:11:45,530 --> 00:11:46,967
My mother always
said two things:

281
00:11:47,010 --> 00:11:48,316
"Never argue
with crazy people"

282
00:11:48,359 --> 00:11:49,621
and "Always wear
clean underwear

283
00:11:49,665 --> 00:11:50,971
"in case you get run
over by a tank

284
00:11:51,014 --> 00:11:52,450
"and have to go
to the hospital."

285
00:11:52,494 --> 00:11:54,670
-Wise woman.
-Okay, you two clever Dicks.

286
00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:56,672
I'm gonna conduct
a search as only I can,

287
00:11:56,716 --> 00:11:58,674
and the culprit or culprits
will be punished.

288
00:11:58,718 --> 00:12:01,764
[chuckles] Frank, your
sanity's sprung a leak.

289
00:12:01,808 --> 00:12:04,245
Oh, we'll see.
And when I find that money,

290
00:12:04,288 --> 00:12:06,464
you'll be laughing
out of the other side
of your sleeve.

291
00:12:07,727 --> 00:12:08,945
His mills grind slowly.

292
00:12:08,989 --> 00:12:10,207
But exceedingly dumb.

293
00:12:11,469 --> 00:12:12,949
You may stand
down, Captain.

294
00:12:12,993 --> 00:12:14,908
We will now have
a brief recess.

295
00:12:19,260 --> 00:12:21,392
FRANK: I think it's going
very well, don't you?

296
00:12:27,050 --> 00:12:29,096
Corporal
Radar O'Reilly, sir.

297
00:12:29,139 --> 00:12:30,793
Radar?

298
00:12:30,837 --> 00:12:32,621
Uh, sometimes I know
things are gonna happen

299
00:12:32,664 --> 00:12:33,927
before they do, sir.

300
00:12:33,970 --> 00:12:36,233
My mom says I get it
from my uncle Ernest.

301
00:12:36,277 --> 00:12:38,322
He knew he was gonna
die about a week before
it happened,

302
00:12:38,366 --> 00:12:40,194
so he moved next door
to the undertaker

303
00:12:40,237 --> 00:12:42,109
so he wouldn't have
so far to travel.

304
00:12:44,285 --> 00:12:45,590
Be seated.

305
00:12:45,634 --> 00:12:46,809
Yes, sir.

306
00:12:49,551 --> 00:12:50,987
Is this all right, sir?

307
00:12:51,031 --> 00:12:52,336
Is what all right?

308
00:12:52,380 --> 00:12:53,947
The way I'm sitted?

309
00:12:53,990 --> 00:12:55,862
You're sitted fine.

310
00:13:00,692 --> 00:13:03,608
You appreciate the gravity
of this hearing, Corporal?

311
00:13:03,652 --> 00:13:04,609
Oh, yes, sir.

312
00:13:04,653 --> 00:13:06,829
If eventually found guilty,

313
00:13:06,873 --> 00:13:08,657
Captain Pierce
could be hanged.

314
00:13:08,700 --> 00:13:10,659
Why does he keep
saying that?

315
00:13:10,702 --> 00:13:12,704
It'll never happen...

316
00:13:12,748 --> 00:13:13,662
probably.

317
00:13:14,794 --> 00:13:16,578
Now, then, Corporal.

318
00:13:16,621 --> 00:13:19,102
You assisted Major Burns
in his search for the $300?

319
00:13:19,146 --> 00:13:20,756
Yes, sir.

320
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:23,367
Please tell the court
the details from the beginning.

321
00:13:23,411 --> 00:13:26,849
Well, our first stop
was Father Mulcahy's tent.

322
00:13:26,893 --> 00:13:28,372
He's the camp priest.

323
00:13:30,070 --> 00:13:32,289
Prepare to search,
Corporal.

324
00:13:32,333 --> 00:13:34,465
Gee, sir, I don't think
we should be in here.

325
00:13:34,509 --> 00:13:36,554
It's like ransacking
a church.

326
00:13:36,598 --> 00:13:38,556
This isn't a church,
and I'm not ransacking.

327
00:13:38,600 --> 00:13:40,907
Remember, he's a father
but also a man

328
00:13:40,950 --> 00:13:43,170
and open to temptation
like the rest of us.

329
00:13:43,213 --> 00:13:46,042
[gasps] You think
he swiped all that stuff?

330
00:13:46,086 --> 00:13:48,697
No, I don't think
he swiped all that stuff.

331
00:13:48,740 --> 00:13:50,133
Oh, I just figured if
a priest could be tempted,

332
00:13:50,177 --> 00:13:52,135
that's the kind
of stuff he'd steal.

333
00:13:52,179 --> 00:13:54,877
You know, you're
a certifiable cretin.

334
00:13:54,921 --> 00:13:57,967
Cretin.
C-R-I-T-E-N. Cretin.

335
00:13:58,011 --> 00:13:59,490
Wrong.

336
00:14:01,753 --> 00:14:04,017
Hey! He's got extras.

337
00:14:04,060 --> 00:14:05,366
What do you mean, extras?

338
00:14:05,409 --> 00:14:06,715
I thought he had
just the one collar.

339
00:14:06,758 --> 00:14:08,456
Why should he have just one?

340
00:14:08,499 --> 00:14:10,153
What do you think he did when
it got dirty or wore out?

341
00:14:10,197 --> 00:14:11,589
Converted?

342
00:14:11,633 --> 00:14:13,200
RADAR: The next tent
we searched in

343
00:14:13,243 --> 00:14:14,418
was Corporal Klinger's.

344
00:14:16,594 --> 00:14:18,466
Degenerate.

345
00:14:18,509 --> 00:14:19,771
Now tell the truth.

346
00:14:19,815 --> 00:14:21,643
Would you be caught
dead in this?

347
00:14:23,471 --> 00:14:25,255
It's way too
long for me, sir.

348
00:14:25,299 --> 00:14:27,344
You're another sicko.

349
00:14:38,790 --> 00:14:40,488
I'm just searching
for stolen money.

350
00:14:40,531 --> 00:14:41,750
It could be
hidden anywhere.

351
00:14:41,793 --> 00:14:43,230
You didn't
run your fingers

352
00:14:43,273 --> 00:14:45,101
through Father Mulcahy's
collars, sir.

353
00:14:49,714 --> 00:14:50,802
Sorry.

354
00:14:52,152 --> 00:14:54,806
This Corporal Klinger...
She's a nurse?

355
00:14:54,850 --> 00:14:58,201
[laughs]
Oh, no, sir.

356
00:14:58,245 --> 00:15:00,377
If I may, sir,
Corporal Klinger
is a corpsman.

357
00:15:00,421 --> 00:15:01,639
He's a good soldier.

358
00:15:01,683 --> 00:15:03,163
He'd prefer to
be a good civilian.

359
00:15:03,206 --> 00:15:04,512
Toward that end,

360
00:15:04,555 --> 00:15:06,775
-he dresses, uh...
-In dresses.

361
00:15:06,818 --> 00:15:08,777
Bucking for a Section 8?

362
00:15:08,820 --> 00:15:10,692
The man does his job.
I'll give him that.

363
00:15:10,735 --> 00:15:14,043
I'm not saying I'd want
an entire company of Klingers.

364
00:15:14,087 --> 00:15:17,351
Unless, of course,
Christian Dior
attacks Pearl Harbor.

365
00:15:17,394 --> 00:15:20,658
-Carry on, Corporal.
-Oh, yes, sir.

366
00:15:20,702 --> 00:15:22,573
The next tent
was Captain Pierce's

367
00:15:22,617 --> 00:15:24,010
and Captain Hunnicutt's's.

368
00:15:31,582 --> 00:15:33,323
What're you looking
for, Frank?

369
00:15:33,367 --> 00:15:34,498
His marbles.

370
00:15:34,542 --> 00:15:35,717
Are you
with him, Radar,

371
00:15:35,760 --> 00:15:37,719
or are you
independently crazy?

372
00:15:37,762 --> 00:15:39,982
-I'm helping the major.
-Do what?

373
00:15:42,593 --> 00:15:44,639
I don't know.

374
00:15:44,682 --> 00:15:46,684
Well, he couldn't
have gotten a better
man for the job.

375
00:15:46,728 --> 00:15:48,164
Come on, Frank.
You can tell us.

376
00:15:48,208 --> 00:15:49,861
I'm looking
for $300, bub.

377
00:15:49,905 --> 00:15:51,385
As if you didn't know.

378
00:15:51,428 --> 00:15:53,430
Frank, it wasn't stolen.

379
00:15:53,474 --> 00:15:55,432
I don't really think
either of you took it.

380
00:15:55,476 --> 00:15:57,782
-Officers don't steal.
-Right.

381
00:15:57,826 --> 00:15:59,306
We don't go to
the toilet, either.

382
00:15:59,349 --> 00:16:01,612
We just explode
when we're 50.

383
00:16:06,487 --> 00:16:11,405
Finally, the major searched
the last place. Mine.

384
00:16:11,448 --> 00:16:13,015
-Aha!
-[gasps]

385
00:16:13,059 --> 00:16:14,974
The eyes always
give the guilty away.

386
00:16:15,017 --> 00:16:17,280
They're the windows
to the soul.

387
00:16:19,021 --> 00:16:20,936
[snickers]

388
00:16:23,852 --> 00:16:24,984
[yelps]

389
00:16:26,811 --> 00:16:28,509
The little rat bit me!

390
00:16:28,552 --> 00:16:30,728
What's he doing on a
military installation anyway?

391
00:16:30,772 --> 00:16:31,991
Oh, h-he pulls
his weight, sir.

392
00:16:32,034 --> 00:16:33,688
He's like a watchdog.

393
00:16:33,731 --> 00:16:35,037
And where'd the
lettuce come from?

394
00:16:35,081 --> 00:16:36,778
The mess tent.
It's garbage.

395
00:16:36,821 --> 00:16:39,128
That garbage is
meant for our boys.

396
00:16:39,172 --> 00:16:41,348
It's not to be
used to feed gophers.

397
00:16:41,391 --> 00:16:43,393
-He's a guinea pig.
-Who cares?

398
00:16:43,437 --> 00:16:44,786
They do.

399
00:16:55,666 --> 00:16:58,582
Don't tell me
he sleeps with you.

400
00:16:58,626 --> 00:17:00,454
I'm hoping to
do better, sir.

401
00:17:06,242 --> 00:17:08,636
In spite of his
diligent search,

402
00:17:08,679 --> 00:17:10,942
Major Burns never found
the missing money?

403
00:17:10,986 --> 00:17:13,728
No, sir.
I know for a fact he didn't.

404
00:17:13,771 --> 00:17:15,382
Because you had it
all the time?

405
00:17:17,210 --> 00:17:18,646
You're sworn
to tell the truth.

406
00:17:18,689 --> 00:17:20,430
Yes, sir. I did, sir.

407
00:17:20,474 --> 00:17:21,910
Where was it hidden,
Corporal?

408
00:17:21,953 --> 00:17:24,782
Inside my teddy bear.

409
00:17:24,826 --> 00:17:26,393
I knew I should've
ripped the stuffings out

410
00:17:26,436 --> 00:17:27,698
of the dirty little bugger

411
00:17:27,742 --> 00:17:29,048
when I had
the opportunity.

412
00:17:29,091 --> 00:17:30,832
Wouldn't you have
felt a little silly

413
00:17:30,875 --> 00:17:32,573
if the money hadn't
been inside that bear?

414
00:17:32,616 --> 00:17:34,314
I wasn't talking
about the bear.

415
00:17:37,143 --> 00:17:38,796
I think we have
a pretty clear picture

416
00:17:38,840 --> 00:17:40,189
of the breakdown of command

417
00:17:40,233 --> 00:17:41,669
that led to the
events of 11 October.

418
00:17:41,712 --> 00:17:44,063
Now I would call
on Major Burns

419
00:17:44,106 --> 00:17:46,761
to tell the court
exactly what transpired
on that day.

420
00:17:46,804 --> 00:17:49,242
With pleasure, sir.

421
00:17:49,285 --> 00:17:50,460
-HAWKEYE:
Kellye, let me see this.
-All right. Here you go.

422
00:17:50,504 --> 00:17:52,201
[operating room chatter]

423
00:17:55,248 --> 00:17:57,946
FRANK [narrating]:
It was one of those days
that, more than most,

424
00:17:57,989 --> 00:17:59,600
reminds us that war,

425
00:17:59,643 --> 00:18:01,471
however much we may enjoy it,

426
00:18:01,515 --> 00:18:03,256
is no strawberry festival.

427
00:18:03,299 --> 00:18:05,388
[chattering, shouting]

428
00:18:05,432 --> 00:18:07,608
Nurse Johnson.
Nurse Johnson?

429
00:18:09,871 --> 00:18:11,655
You called, Doctor?

430
00:18:11,699 --> 00:18:13,875
More wounded.
Send me more wounded.

431
00:18:13,918 --> 00:18:15,572
Major Burns,
you're only human.

432
00:18:15,616 --> 00:18:16,921
You've only got
two hands.

433
00:18:16,965 --> 00:18:18,097
Well, if I have
two hands,

434
00:18:18,140 --> 00:18:19,402
why have I
only one patient?

435
00:18:19,446 --> 00:18:20,882
Yes, I'm through here.
Litter!

436
00:18:20,925 --> 00:18:21,883
[explosion]

437
00:18:21,926 --> 00:18:23,841
[Johnson screams]

438
00:18:23,885 --> 00:18:25,365
Buck up, Nurse.

439
00:18:25,408 --> 00:18:27,367
Think of it as
the rockets' red glare.

440
00:18:27,410 --> 00:18:30,021
Come on, Frank.
Let up on us.

441
00:18:30,065 --> 00:18:32,633
We've been going at it
for six hours straight.

442
00:18:32,676 --> 00:18:35,375
What about all these
wonderful freckled
youngsters?

443
00:18:35,418 --> 00:18:37,507
Do you think they knocked
off after six hours?

444
00:18:37,551 --> 00:18:39,901
Or eight? Or ten?

445
00:18:39,944 --> 00:18:41,642
Do you think they
punched out after 5:30?

446
00:18:41,685 --> 00:18:43,470
-Thank you, Doctor.
-For what?

447
00:18:43,513 --> 00:18:44,819
Just for being you.

448
00:18:46,864 --> 00:18:49,128
Shameful.
Asleep at the switch.

449
00:18:53,001 --> 00:18:54,611
Must I do
everything myself?

450
00:18:54,655 --> 00:18:56,961
[explosions]

451
00:18:57,005 --> 00:18:58,920
Oh, Lord,
I'm losing this one!

452
00:18:58,963 --> 00:19:00,878
-Steady, Pierce.
-But he's hemorrhaging

453
00:19:00,922 --> 00:19:02,576
and all we're out
of blood type B.

454
00:19:02,619 --> 00:19:04,534
-I'm type B.
-No, Doctor, you mustn't.

455
00:19:04,578 --> 00:19:06,797
I must or be a traitor
to my Hippocratic oath.

456
00:19:06,841 --> 00:19:08,712
-Take over here.
-Yes, Doctor.

457
00:19:11,715 --> 00:19:12,847
[grunts]

458
00:19:19,984 --> 00:19:21,160
[exhales]

459
00:19:27,340 --> 00:19:29,080
This'll probably
save his life, Frank.

460
00:19:29,124 --> 00:19:31,518
Saving lives is
my business, Mister.

461
00:19:31,561 --> 00:19:35,304
Besides O.R., I was
responsible for pre-op.

462
00:19:35,348 --> 00:19:37,350
He's first. You can wait.

463
00:19:41,702 --> 00:19:44,574
He's next. Give him
a unit of whole blood.

464
00:19:48,883 --> 00:19:51,451
Very bad. I'll do
this one personally.

465
00:19:59,502 --> 00:20:02,157
[speaks Latin]

466
00:20:06,335 --> 00:20:07,728
Back to
the front, soldier.

467
00:20:07,771 --> 00:20:08,772
Keep 'em coming!

468
00:20:08,816 --> 00:20:10,687
-Gloves.
-Come on, Frank.

469
00:20:10,731 --> 00:20:13,037
Give us a break.
We're only human.

470
00:20:13,081 --> 00:20:15,214
Are they less so, Hunnicutt,
because they're bleeding?

471
00:20:15,257 --> 00:20:17,259
Would you minister
only to the healthy
and the able-bodied?

472
00:20:17,303 --> 00:20:19,696
They're coming
too fast, Frank.
We're not machines!

473
00:20:19,740 --> 00:20:21,742
Shall I ask them to
die slower, Pierce?

474
00:20:21,785 --> 00:20:24,266
We can't do it, Frank!
We can't!

475
00:20:24,310 --> 00:20:26,007
You're asking too much!

476
00:20:26,050 --> 00:20:27,226
I'm taking over!

477
00:20:29,402 --> 00:20:32,056
You're mad! Mad!

478
00:20:32,100 --> 00:20:35,146
Mediocrity's
no crime, Frank!

479
00:20:35,190 --> 00:20:36,583
The major's version
of what happened was,

480
00:20:36,626 --> 00:20:38,585
to say the least,
fascinating.

481
00:20:38,628 --> 00:20:40,717
It was, to say
the most, perjury.

482
00:20:42,153 --> 00:20:43,720
No, to be fair,

483
00:20:43,764 --> 00:20:45,896
I have no doubt that he
remembers it that way.

484
00:20:45,940 --> 00:20:48,116
More's the pity.

485
00:20:48,159 --> 00:20:51,337
And, of course,
there was some truth
to what he said.

486
00:20:51,380 --> 00:20:53,861
It was October 11,
and we were in Korea.

487
00:20:53,904 --> 00:20:56,080
Other than that...

488
00:20:56,124 --> 00:20:58,474
[operating room chatter]

489
00:21:02,870 --> 00:21:04,654
Hold it! Hold it!
Dress him.

490
00:21:04,698 --> 00:21:06,308
There's no
double-parking here.

491
00:21:06,352 --> 00:21:07,657
Clamp.

492
00:21:07,701 --> 00:21:08,919
I can't put him to sleep.

493
00:21:08,963 --> 00:21:10,051
He's in shock.

494
00:21:10,094 --> 00:21:11,139
This patient isn't stable.

495
00:21:11,182 --> 00:21:12,488
Which of us is?

496
00:21:12,532 --> 00:21:13,794
I'm not kidding, damn it.

497
00:21:13,837 --> 00:21:15,143
I'm not operating
on this man

498
00:21:15,186 --> 00:21:17,101
till he gets a few
units of blood.

499
00:21:17,145 --> 00:21:19,016
Same here.
I cut into this patient
with his hemoglobin,

500
00:21:19,060 --> 00:21:20,279
he's gonna stroke out.

501
00:21:20,322 --> 00:21:22,498
Frank, get in here! Frank!

502
00:21:23,891 --> 00:21:25,066
Oh! Watch it, clumsy!

503
00:21:25,109 --> 00:21:27,155
In your ear!

504
00:21:27,198 --> 00:21:28,591
Frank, this kid
needs a transfusion,

505
00:21:28,635 --> 00:21:30,419
and B.J.'s patient
is likely to croak

506
00:21:30,463 --> 00:21:31,855
during his operation.

507
00:21:31,899 --> 00:21:32,987
Oh, pick, pick, pick!

508
00:21:33,030 --> 00:21:34,249
Is that all you guys can do?

509
00:21:34,293 --> 00:21:36,120
Frank, what are you
doing out there?

510
00:21:36,164 --> 00:21:38,384
He's adapted Henry Ford's
principles to medicine.

511
00:21:38,427 --> 00:21:40,211
He sends the wounded
in on an assembly line,

512
00:21:40,255 --> 00:21:41,212
and we're supposed to
attach the headlights.

513
00:21:41,256 --> 00:21:43,258
[explosions]

514
00:21:43,302 --> 00:21:45,739
-Was that a bomb?
-Uh, no, Frank.

515
00:21:45,782 --> 00:21:47,436
Someone's playing
their World War II album.

516
00:21:47,480 --> 00:21:50,526
Frank, pre-op means
preparation. Prep 'em!

517
00:21:50,570 --> 00:21:52,180
Listen, they're
backing up out there.

518
00:21:52,223 --> 00:21:53,573
With all this
shelling going on,

519
00:21:53,616 --> 00:21:55,052
there'll be more
and more wounded!

520
00:21:55,096 --> 00:21:56,576
We'll overflow!
We'll be buried alive!

521
00:21:56,619 --> 00:21:59,100
That beats their being
buried dead, Frank.

522
00:21:59,143 --> 00:22:01,276
Now get out there
and practice medicine,

523
00:22:01,320 --> 00:22:03,322
or I'm gonna report you
to Lionel Barrymore.

524
00:22:03,365 --> 00:22:04,758
I'm your superior
officer, Pierce.

525
00:22:04,801 --> 00:22:06,760
You will not talk to me
in that insolent manner!

526
00:22:06,803 --> 00:22:08,892
Frank, you can either
help the wounded

527
00:22:08,936 --> 00:22:10,938
or become one.

528
00:22:10,981 --> 00:22:11,895
[groans]

529
00:22:13,244 --> 00:22:14,724
Thank you, nurse.

530
00:22:14,768 --> 00:22:16,378
You may just have
saved countless lives.

531
00:22:16,422 --> 00:22:18,598
-Father, take over in pre-op.
-Right!

532
00:22:18,641 --> 00:22:20,251
Klinger, get rid
of this mess.

533
00:22:20,295 --> 00:22:21,905
Yes, sir!

534
00:22:40,446 --> 00:22:43,449
Gentlemen, I have weighed
the evidence carefully--

535
00:22:43,492 --> 00:22:45,233
not merely the testimony

536
00:22:45,276 --> 00:22:47,627
but the records
of those involved.

537
00:22:47,670 --> 00:22:50,891
I have no doubt that
Captain Pierce is a prankster

538
00:22:50,934 --> 00:22:53,633
and thoroughly unmilitary.

539
00:22:53,676 --> 00:22:55,286
But the records indicate

540
00:22:55,330 --> 00:22:57,767
that he's
a top-flight surgeon.

541
00:22:57,811 --> 00:22:59,900
Lord knows I wouldn't
want to lead

542
00:22:59,943 --> 00:23:03,904
a company of Pierces
into battle...

543
00:23:03,947 --> 00:23:05,471
but I'd sure as hell
want him around

544
00:23:05,514 --> 00:23:07,473
when that battle was over.

545
00:23:07,516 --> 00:23:09,605
Colonel, what do
the records indicate

546
00:23:09,649 --> 00:23:11,694
about my surgical skills?

547
00:23:11,738 --> 00:23:14,654
If you hadn't been
drafted as a doctor,

548
00:23:14,697 --> 00:23:18,179
I think you'd have been
assigned as a pastry chef.

549
00:23:20,703 --> 00:23:24,011
In my judgment, no case
of mutiny exists,

550
00:23:24,054 --> 00:23:25,839
and I'll advise
that the charges

551
00:23:25,882 --> 00:23:28,015
against Captain Pierce
be dropped.

552
00:23:28,058 --> 00:23:30,104
-Court adjourned.
-[gavel raps]

553
00:23:32,498 --> 00:23:34,238
You beat the rap,
Baby Face.

554
00:23:34,282 --> 00:23:35,849
I owe it all to clean
living and fancy footwork.

555
00:23:35,892 --> 00:23:37,938
-Congratulations, Pierce.
-Me too, sir.

556
00:23:37,981 --> 00:23:40,157
Well,
no hard feelings.

557
00:23:40,201 --> 00:23:42,333
I guess it's not
your fault justice
got hoodwinked.

558
00:23:42,377 --> 00:23:44,335
You can't be blamed for
trying to save your neck.

559
00:23:44,379 --> 00:23:46,033
But I do have a bone to
pick with that colonel.

560
00:23:46,076 --> 00:23:48,252
Haven't you had
enough for one day?

561
00:23:48,296 --> 00:23:49,471
Well, that's just it, sir.

562
00:23:49,515 --> 00:23:50,690
I won't allow his innocence

563
00:23:50,733 --> 00:23:52,126
to be a blot on my record.

564
00:23:54,998 --> 00:23:56,522
Do you think we could
just sneak away

565
00:23:56,565 --> 00:23:57,871
-and leave him here?
-[door closes]

566
00:23:57,914 --> 00:23:59,350
Frank's too sharp for that.

567
00:23:59,394 --> 00:24:01,396
He always leaves
a trail of bread crumbs.

568
00:24:08,359 --> 00:24:09,709
Having wagered my life,

569
00:24:09,752 --> 00:24:11,754
this childish sport
holds no challenge.

570
00:24:11,798 --> 00:24:13,974
-No guts, huh?
-Or words to that effect.

571
00:24:14,017 --> 00:24:15,323
What are you gonna do,
Sergeant?

572
00:24:15,366 --> 00:24:18,152
Don't rush me.
I'm thinkin'.

573
00:24:18,195 --> 00:24:20,937
-Another first.
-A bluff if I ever heard one.

574
00:24:22,112 --> 00:24:23,549
Did I tell you?

575
00:24:23,592 --> 00:24:25,202
I never rescinded
my order against gambling,

576
00:24:25,246 --> 00:24:26,987
and there they are,
breaking it.

577
00:24:27,030 --> 00:24:29,380
You know, I've been burned
with three of a kind before.

578
00:24:29,424 --> 00:24:31,208
It's gettin' so I
can smell a straight.

579
00:24:31,252 --> 00:24:32,471
[clears throat]

580
00:24:32,514 --> 00:24:38,041
Two, three, four,
five, and five.

581
00:24:38,085 --> 00:24:41,480
-[laughs]
-A pair of 5s.

582
00:24:41,523 --> 00:24:44,352
-A crummy pair of 5s!
-Bravo, Beej.

583
00:24:44,395 --> 00:24:47,094
-You can win here
with a pair of 5s, huh?
-B.J.: Yes, sir.

584
00:24:47,137 --> 00:24:50,097
In the immortal words
of Napoleon, deal me in.

585
00:24:50,140 --> 00:24:53,187
New player, new game,
gentlemen.

586
00:24:53,230 --> 00:24:56,364
-Cards, please.
-[chatter]

587
00:25:06,417 --> 00:25:08,594
♪♪ [theme]